The Day Kain Stole Akio's Car
by grisabele
Summary: It's a crossover between Shoujo Kakumei Utena and Legacy of Kain......what if Kain stole Akio's car? By the way, there are mild, very mild Shoujo Kakumei Utena spoilers in here..Umm..and Shoujo Kakumei Utena is an anime, for those of you who don't know.
1. Chapter One: The Conspiracy

The Day Kain Stole Akio's Car...  
  
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Chapter 1: The Conspiracy  
  
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It was a nice, normal day at Ohtori Academy. Saionji was dueling Utena again, Touga was being his usual playboy self, Anthy was eating shaved ice, Miki was clicking his stopwatch, Chu-Chu was off someplace, Wakaba was glomping people, Mikage was plotting against Utena, and, naturally, Akio was manipulating EVERYBODY. Well, after several hours of this, Akio couldn't convince any poor mook to accompany him to the Ends of the World, so he had to go by himself. And that's when the insanity began....  
  
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"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Raziel asked Kain.  
  
"But of course. It's the only way I'll ever get behind the wheel of that GORGEOUS CAR!!" A little ways away, Turel was comforting his brother Dumah, who was crying.  
  
"It's alright, Dumah....you make a beautiful girl! And you look almost exactly like Utena in a Rose Bride dress!"  
  
"Don't rub it in, Turel! It's bad enough I have to wear a dress, but this pink wig is just TOO MUCH! And the make-up and blue contacts..."  
  
"Don't cry, your mascara's running!" Turel said, which caused Dumah to burst into a fresh bout of tears.  
  
Zephon, Kain, Melchiah, Rahab, and Raziel all crouched behind bushes, waiting. Zephon and Melchiah held a length of rope. Raziel held a roll of duct tape.  
  
"Now, when Akio pulls over, and starts flirting with Dumah, I'm gonna jump on him and beat the hell out of him. I want you and Melchiah to tie him up, Zephon, and I want Raziel to gag him with that duct tape. Any questions?"  
  
"Yeah," said Zephon, "What are Dumah and Turel and Rahab doing?"  
  
"They're gonna stuff him in the trunk when we're all done."  
  
"Won't he suffocate?" asked Melchiah.  
  
"No. He's the bad guy and he can't suffocate in his trunk because not only would that be embarassing, he still has to make it to Episode 38 otherwise there won't be any Revolution Duel and the Utena series will come to an abrupt, bad ending because there was no Revolution Duel."  
  
"They killed him in the movie." Melchiah pointed out.  
  
"Yes," said Kain, "But that was an alternate universe retelling of the whole series."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Turel suddenly jumped behind the bushes. "Here he comes!" he said. Kain grinned wickedly. It was time to set his plan in motion....  
  
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So, what ya guys think? 


	2. Chapter 2: The Plan In Motion

Chapter Two: The plan in motion  
  
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Dumah stood in the road, cursing fate. ~*Why me? Why not Turel? Or Melchiah? Or Raziel?*~ The red convertible was coming closer, he was going to get run over. ~*And then Akio will probably try to give me mouth- to-mouth and I'll kill him!!*~ The idea made Dumah snicker, just as the headlights glared in his eyes. Miraculously, the car pulled over.  
  
"Hey, Utena baby!" called Akio, "Hows about we go for a drive...to the Ends of the World?"  
  
"How about you shut off your highbeams, fag?" Dumah muttered.  
  
"What? Speak up, dollface!"  
  
"I mean..." started Dumah in a horrible, girly voice that made him sound like a complete and total pansy, "I don't know if I should...my boyfriend...my boyfriend KAIN might get mad..." Dumah shot an evil glance towards the bushes.  
  
"Kain, I think you just got dissed." whispered Turel.  
  
"Shut up!" snapped Kain, "I'm gonna go beat him up...NOW." And sneaking away from the bushes and climbing behind the driver's seat, Kain gave Akio a sound beating, Zephon and Melchiah tied him up, Raziel gagged him, Dumah beat him up some more, and helped Turel and Rahab stuff him in the trunk.  
  
"Can I change back into my clan gear now?" asked Dumah, his little blue eyes (well, actuallly, they were yellow, but as he was wearing blue contacts) eyes sparkling like sapphires.  
  
"No! You said I was your...BOYFRIEND!!" shrieked Kain (who by the way was driving back to Ohtori)  
  
"I had to bluff somehow!!"  
  
"Would you like to ride in the trunk with Akio?"  
  
"Uh...no."  
  
"THEN SHUT THE HELL UP AND WEAR YOUR..uh, girl clothes...WITH PRIDE!!!"  
  
~*Easy for him to say!*~ thought Dumah, irritated.  
  
And if the ordeal with Akio had been torture for Dumah, it was nothing compared to the hell he would live at Ohtori...  
  
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TO BE CONTINUED...(the most evil words you can see on a screen, by the way). 


	3. Chapter 3: Ohtori, Part One

Chapter 3: Ohtori, part one  
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Kain drove all the way back to Ohtori for no specific reason. Wait...yeah, he did have a specific reason. He was bound and determined to marry Juri.  
"First Akio's Car, and now Juri?" asked Melchiah.  
"Why not? I need a queen with guts.." Kain said, going all starry-eyed.  
Raziel muttered something that sounded vaguely like "Umah" and Kain turned around to face him. "Do not," he fumed, "Mention that name under my roof...EVER AGAIN!!"  
"Sorry...."  
  
Upon reaching Ohtori, everybody jumped out of the car, except, of course, Akio, who was trying to manipulate the duct tape off his face so he could scream for help. It wasn't working. His only hope was that Touga had spare keys and would go rooting around in his trunk for..uh, never mind, you seriously don't want to know.  
  
By the end of the first day, Kain had been hit on by Nanami and Wakaba, Raziel was getting all starry-eyed over Mikage, because wasn't aware that Mikage was a guy, Zephon and Chuu-Chuu were plotting world domination, Rahab had challenged Miki to chess and was winning so far, Turel and Melchiah were gossiping with the Shadow Girls, and Dumah...had been mistaken for Utena by Saionji and challenged to a duel first thing the next morning! 


End file.
